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The Lusty Argonian Maid
|value = 14 }} |oblivion = |value = 10 |id = 00078562}} |morrowind = |value = 20 |id = bk_lustyargonianmaid}} }} is a play and book filled with numerous examples of sexual innuendo written by Crassius Curio. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female. There are 2 volumes of the book. Known locations Morrowind *Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio Oblivion *Leyawiin in Southern Books. *Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud. *Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian. *Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion. *Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area. *Bliss, close to the entrance gate. *Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates Skyrim *Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2). *Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2). *Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz. *Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor. *Riftweald Manor, in the basement. *College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books, (it may be hard to find, but it's there). *Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf *Apocrypha , as a drop from Seekers. *Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed. *Fort Dawnguard , Next to some potions and a bedroll. *In Benkongerike in Solstheim in the Great Hall. On the right, inside a hut, there is a pile of both works. (13 of V1, 6 of V2) *Riftweald Manor in Riften on the desk near the bust of the Gray Fox Contents Volume 1 Act IV, Scene III, continued Lifts-Her-Tail : Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers. Crantius Colto : Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers? Lifts-Her-Tail : I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid. Crantius Colto : So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail. Lifts-Her-Tail : You embarrass me, sir! Crantius Colto : Fear not. You are safe here with me. Lifts-Her-Tail : I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not! Crantius Colto : Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear. Lifts-Her-Tail : But it is huge! It could take me all night! Crantius Colto : Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time. END OF ACT IV, SCENE III Volume 2 Note: Volume 2 was added in ' Act VII, Scene II, Continued Lifts-Her-Tail : My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven? Crantius Colto : This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise. Lifts-Her-Tail : If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task? Crantius Colto : Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands. Lifts-Her-Tail : You wish me to knead the loaf? Here? Crantius Colto : Of course. Lifts-Her-Tail : But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite. Crantius Colto : Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later. Lifts-Her-Tail : Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours! Crantius Colto : Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time. End of Act VII, Scene II Trivia *In and , this appeared as a single book, however in it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2. *The male lead's name, "Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer Crassius Curio, implying that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy. *In the add-on there is a (quest item) book called Lusty Argonian Maid Folio, which contains both Volume I and Volume II. *Despite being written by an Imperial during the Third Era, both volumes of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" appear in . May 6, 2013. The Elder Scrolls Online Ask Us Anything: Variety Pack 4 Appearances * * * * References de:Die muntere Argonier-Maid it:La Vogliosa Cameriera Argoniana pl:Chutliwa Argoniańska Pokojówka Category:Skyrim: Books Category:Oblivion: Books Category:Morrowind: Books